trying out

my girlfriend's daughter is terribly shy. but yesterday, she mustered her courage and decided to try out for the children's theater. each year this particular troop goes to local elementary schools, has a plan, and lets kids try out for the play, then they put the play on for the whole school.
my friend's daughter wasn't chosen. she was heartbroken, to say the least. and no matter how you frost it, rejection sucks. you can say how proud you are that they tried out, and that you are sure they did their best, but not being chosen is tough.

when i was a girl, rejection was common place. it was long before the days of everyone making the team because "we don't want to scar anyone's self esteem." you tried out, and if you made the team, you celebrated. if you didn't, you went home, cried for a bit, or took it out on your little sister calling her a brat or something! but you still had to go to school the next day. you did not get " a day to recover."

trying out and not making it is all a part of life. we try out for everything. my son is preparing to apply to colleges. spouse is thinking about trying to find a new job. actually he's been thinking about it for the past 19 years...the same number of years he's worked at the hell hole (his words, not mine). i am trying out as well. today i decided to really try to find another job. i read the want ads in the online newspaper (online because i don't believe in newspapers for obvious environmental reasons). it is my hope to leave my own version of unhappiness.

today i finally realized that things will never change at my clinic. the office manager will be there forever, no matter how unskilled and unprofessional she is. the previously mentioned pink elephant (aka director) will continue to drink to excess, and her much older "sugar daddy" (also an alcoholic) will be returning from the southwest this week. he winters in the warmth because he can't take the rainy winters here. but the pink elephant cannot change because she doesn't think she has a problem. as far as managing a staff of 20, she is one of the least effective managers i have every worked for. office person number 1 is a drunk (and best friend of the pink elephant), #2 pretends to be an ultra-christian, yet still holds onto her previous life as a resident of either soddom or gomorrah. she spends the days when she actually shows up, on the internet or eating. two people i work with are capable and great employees, but we 3 are constantly having to cover or fix or troubleshoot. the clinical staff is understaffed, grumpy and under appreciated. they have sent a letter of no confidence to the ceo - their form of mutiny. but they are collectively arrogant, spoiled and much to full of themselves.

so without talking to spouse (he is still sick) i came to the decision to put myself out there once more. looking for a new job is tough. i have been at the company now for 9 years. i find myself almost grieving about the loss of this relationship...wondering if this is how i will feel if spouse ever leaves me or divorces me or dies. there is sadness. there is relief. there is fear. i plan to stay put until i am completely sure i have made the new team. but quite soon i will try out again. ugh.