it's not fair

I have a hard time letting go of things.

I mentioned having surgery. I am healed finally, back to work full time, and continuing my strengthening program. But all in all, I am healed.

Now my husband is suffering with herniated discs, and tomorrow faces steriod injections in his spine. He's been out of work 6 weeks now and will be at least another month until he can return to work. He is literally unable to put his socks on. He is walking with crutches because he honestly cannot stand without them. Spasm and pain are his best friends.

He is a terrible patient. He is either a turnip: gorked on medications, or a raving banshee: cursing and throwing anything in this arm's reach. He is relentless in his cursing (things that would make drunken pirates blush) and screaming fits that would drive anyone away. Let alone the one person who swore to love, honor, cherish, in sickness and in health, good times and in bad...we are definitely in the "Sickness and Bad" valley of marriage.

I have been relegated to nurse maid. Besides my full time job, I then come home and am the taxi service for our son. But that's usual. I now have the added tasks of helping my husband with everything. It is like living with a 185 pound toddler. He knows what he wants (usually the remote for the tv), and although his arms work fine, and he can still speak very well, he whines and moans, until I ask what he wants. I know pain has an amazing affect on men. My husband turns into a horrible creature with a snotty head, so this is much, much, much, much worse. I wonder how he played sports at high levels, and crashed motorcycles, and cars (not intentionally!) and came through it as a single man! Our species would have never made it out of the garden if men had to birth the next generation!

I am completely exhausted. He needs help getting in and out of bed. He tries to get comfortable in bed, which is almost an impossiblity with intractable back pain, and that keeps me up all night. He needs meds and because of some of the meds, he is pretty foggy, so I have to get them - even if it's at 2 in the morning. He is up and down every hour or so, and I am a very light sleeper.

Now, I mentioned that I have trouble letting things go. It is very debilitating mentally for me to do all this for my husband without feeling like I am putting more into this relationship that he is. It's not because I am better at the nurturing, or kinder, or more understanding. Since I am a physical therapist, I deal every day with people in terrible pain, lack of function, and seemingly impossible situations due to their medical conditions. I am not one of those health care providers who treats the ailment, and forgets about the patient.

My issue with him being so needy goes back to last fall with my surgery. It was on a Thursday. He took the day off, took me to surgery, brought me home. Set me in the recliner, gave me a bottle of water, and made sure the phone was close.

Then he was off to do his things. He had lots to do-since at 0600 he was leaving for a 4 day motorcycle trip with the boys...the day after I had major reconstructive shoulder surgery on my dominant side. He left me to care for myself after painting the house, cleaning the house to operating room standards, and having surgery.

I was left to care for myself, and our son. I was on medications myself and they were pretty effective! I remember feeling very "comfortable" and that my skin felt 'kinda squishy'. I should not have been driving him to and from school. I shouldn't have driven myself to my post-op surgical appointment.

The surgery wasn't a surprise. We had weeks notice. And I will say that I think hubby was a little unhappy that the surgery was scheduled on his "big weekend." He was hoping it would have been scheduled the weekend before, so I would have been feeling a bit better, and his guilt would have been less.

I had immediate pangs of abandonment (a regression to my childhood and those therapy sessions in my 30s!) as the Harley pulled away on that Friday morning. He later said I should have told him not to go if I wanted him to stay with me. He said I said, "No, go on your trip and have a great time." Funny how men can't always pick up on their spouse's sarcasm! Shouldn't he just know his place was to be here with me, and whether or not I was awake or asleep, he should have just hung around to placate my every whim?

So, now today, as he is snoring and in a blissful slumber in the recliner, I am weighing the balance of caring for his every need. Why should I care for him now as he is mentally and physically vanquished, when he left me to fend for myself after a major surgical procedure? Once he is healed and able to get back to his toys in the garage, I wonder if I were to take ill again, would the bikers win his heart again?

See, told ya. I have trouble letting things go. My therapist would be disappointed. I don't hate my mother for abandoning me anymore...but that took 30 years to let go. Let's hope I can get past this sooner.

Paint and pain

I am wondering how I forgot that I had a blog. It's been over 1 year since I blogged here and although I read other blogs religiously (I am happy about another's new niece and the exploits of her wonder dog) I am horrendous about putting my own words on virtual paper, so this year's birthday resolution was to try to record more of my life to leave clues to who I am for my son.

My last blog revealed that I was off to Mexico - it never happened. Alas, I did pay for the ticket and then had to (ok, actually ultimately I chose to) refund it. The husband and son didn't go away as they planned and husband decided it would be a great week to paint the house exterior! (hmmm..How can painting the house compare to 5-star resort in Mexico and massages and surfing?) Since he was busy with a miriad of other tasks over that week, I, in reality, painted the house - the whole house....eaves, gutters. walls, trim. The whole thing.

He bought a spray handle for some antiquated piece of sprayer technology for over $125. Once he plugged the sprayer in, it was apparent that antiques belong on display in musuems or in the land fill. The sprayer had seen a better day (sometime in 1981), and the motor whirred, but alas did not suck or blow! This left me to start hand rolling my house. This was one of those times when I questioned my marriage vows - especially the "for better or worse" line. It was more than apparent the sprayer was junk - long before the bought the sprayer handle. But no need to listen to my opinion!

Needless to say, when he left the next day to go to something with our son, I took the sprayer handle thingy back, and bought a Wagner Power Sprayer, came home and sprayed the entire house all by myself with just my right hand (see next paragraph). Moved ladders, climbed to the rafters, the entire job. They arrived back home and were totally and completely shocked! It was nothing short of the hardest job - it was almost 90 degrees that day, but I was not going to let this project not get done. I was going to make the most of giving up surfing and Margaritas. And it was an amazing weight loss plan - 90 degrees/sweating/moving up and down the ladder...like a really poorly choreographed step class!

Now - in between the painting, I had to set down my supplies to hit a doctor's appointment. Shoulder pain had been nagging for almost 2 months after feeling a pop while at work. I suggested physical therapy (my chosen field of work) and he suggested many fine orthopedic surgeons! We did a rock-scissors-paper type of conversation and settled on MRI. Now I have heard my patients' accounts of the shoulder MRI, but here is another one of those "until you've had one yourself" things... One word - excrutiating!

Turns out the surgeon was indeed in my future...5 muscle tears, ruptured bursa...what a mess. And just 3 weeks later surgery... no use of the left arm for 2 months, therapy, and great pain medication. Seven months since surgery, I am finally healed, although I still feel like I am throwing like a girl when I do certain tasks with my dominant left arm!

The house looks great though! New colors make such a difference! The husband suggested that now we need to re-roof this year. I gave him 'that look' that wives give their husbands. The one that says, "Do you really think you are that cute to a 20 year old in this bar?" or "Please don't make me question your masculinity in front of all of these people" or "That's not how your mother told it!" look. He hasn't mentioned it since!

This summer's trip to Hawaii is planned, just not paid yet. That will happen by May. And I have told him that if he doesn't do the camping trip with the kid, then he will have to care for himself for 10 days, as I will not use the vacation cancellation button again this year. He will not starve!

He doesn't like to vacation in the same way I do. His bliss is riding his Harley, camping or staying in Motel 6-type establishments, and get up and ride some more. He eats at great little greasy spoons (which are some of my favorite places on earth). That is fine. Great for him. I like to lay still in the sunshine, get up to surf, grab a cool fruity drink, and repeat. Throw in some mopeds or rental car drives to discover fauna and flora, snorkeling or diving, sea life exploration, hiking, paragliding, a dap of shopping, and massage or spa therapy and I am set. Our son has declared that we vacation like a divorced couple. I assured him that this is why we have been married almost 19 years!

That, and I am one of the most patient women that nature has ever created!