old wounds

My mom and dad divorced almost 20 years ago. After the divorce, he asked that all he wanted from the divorce was a plane ticket to another state where we used to live. Mom obliged, gave him a plane ticket, money and helped him pack.

Now, they had a terrible marriage. Years of yelling, throwing things, excessives of alcohol and nicotine...you know - all the things that were common in marriages of the non-hippies of the 60's.

Once back in the other state, he ran out of money, and wound up on his parent's door step. He was ill, mentally & physically. They took him in, cared for him, and as his health declined they put him in a nursing home. He lived there 17 years until his death.

Now, he had a sister, who was married, with a daughter. Grandpa & grandma didn't like him when he was young, and resented the fact that he was back. They blamed mom (without even getting any information from any of us) for "breaking her vows" and "making him walk the plank." Interesting, those were auntie's exact words.

Now, they knew where we lived, and how to reach us. But - they never did.

I actually found out that he had died in a less than ideal way. No phone call, no obituary or death notice in the local paper...no, I happened across his name on a web pop-up for a genealogy website. I looked at his name, in complete disbelief.

To set the record straight, I was never close to him. He was mean, abusive, excessive in everything - food, alcohol, cigarettes, cars, and hurtful - very hurtful. Years before I found out he had died, I had absolutely let go of him and his hold on my emotions. And when I learned of his death, quite honestly I wasn't shocked, or sad...like Moreno in "A Chorus Line".... "I felt nothing."

My 2 sisters took the news quite differently. Older sis was furious...all it would have taken was a courtesy call and the realization that it never came made her stew with hatred. The younger sis, tried to reason her way through life with rose colored glasses. She always says good things about dad. I wonder if she has some sort of mental block to the bad....like the pain of childbirth after the baby is in your arms.

This was all brought up again yesterday, when literally out of the blue, auntie called. Now, I know that if she had a phone number yesterday, she had one 4 years ago. I know this because all 3 of us have unlisted phone numbers....hmmmm.

She called to tell us that grandfather had died. Now, I know it wasn't that she wanted to be nice. That is not her way because if she was nice, she would have made the call 4 years ago.
This call was to tell us about his passing and that in the safety deposit box there was an insurance policy with her name and each of our names (mine and my sisters). Without our information, she can't get her share. Personally, I don't want the old bastard's money.

She sounded truely interested in hearing what happened before he moved back there. Too bad she didn't try 17 years ago...maybe it would have made her task easier when dad moved back there. She was intent on telling us how hard it was with him there. I had no sympathy for her - she put him in a nursing home, paid someone to care for him and visited him 4 times in 17 years while he was there. No pat on the back will be coming from me for that effort.

While my sisters are nursing their newly opened wounds of past guilt, anger and hatred, I feel more healthy mentally than I have in years. Now, I hope my sisters and auntie can bury their hatred, anger and hurt with the last of the dead themselves.

old friends

I have been sitting here and hearing about tragic events in the world...feeling so small and insignificant in the world and wondering how did I get to be so isolated?

My niece recently graduated from high school and has left this small area for Los Angeles. She has been gone for 2 weeks and has decided to fly home for a short weeked trip to help her best friend celebrate her birthday. As I reflected on my niece's loyaly to her high school pal, I sat here wondering...."How did we all become so isolated from the people that we swore that we would not forget...those high school relationships that now 20+ years later are dusty memories?"

As I googled this and googled that (being very bored at 11:30 on a Sunday night), I ran across a blog from a name that was the same as one of my old high school buddies. But was it her? Or, was it someone that shared the name of someone that kept us all in stitches while entering the restaurant in a hoop skirt with an amazing hat?

While reading this mystery woman's blog, I realized it was indeed the same woman. It wasn't anything she said about herself that caught my eye, but her mention of another old school chum, who she referred to in her blog as "Carol."

I was stunned to realize that it had been over 15 years since I saw or talked to either of these people. But then, I had to wonder, why? What events in my life were so consuming that I was unable to write a letter, or even a postcard? There was a move out of the area, marriage, and a baby. But with all those events, wouldn't it have been more fun to share them with the people that I had spent so many years of my life with?

Now, the blog sat in front of me...post a comment? or let more time pass? How do you reconnect after this many years and not make it seem like you want to borrow money? or brag about your accomplishments? or fear the rejection of being ignored?

Well, I know the web address of the blog...I can always return to comment...what's another day or two apart?